FAAAAQ.COM

Walmart, Serving ALL Races

2009-12-29T06:01:59Z

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His Mother Must Be Proud

2009-12-29T05:58:36Z

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Anyone Know Where I Can Find a Good Snow Blower?

2009-12-29T05:56:12Z

I really wish I had been able to catch a picture of the people making
this snowman.

Crap in Thailand

2009-12-28T21:55:13Z

You know you've hit rock bottom when you find yourself in a bar in
Thailand that serves a Crap Omelet.

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Don't Be A Dick!

2009-01-08T03:04:25Z

Look at the guy with the cell phone up to his head. Meet Dick. Seriously, this guy's name is Dick. I know this because he held a ten minute cellphone conversation and it started like this; "HEY THIS IS DICK...". And he never stopped shouting the whole fucking time. I thought the fat bald dude was going to kick him in the head at one point. Don't be a dick...

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HAPPINESS... Since 1040 AD

2008-12-13T23:21:05Z

From the world's oldest brewery.

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It's Not a Mullet, It's a Napestache

2008-12-09T22:18:00Z

O---M---G

Please, don't show this to Billy Ray...OK?

Walmart Bingo

2008-12-09T22:07:00Z

I got a blackout on my very first try. This game is a fun and easy way to make yourself feel better at the expense of others. Great fun for the entire family. (Not available in West Virginia, Kentucky, Alabama, or Arkansas)

Games Girls Play

2008-12-02T16:52:00Z

The girls all say it's easy, but we know better boys...and now they do too.
http://faaaaq.com/2008/12/02/games-girls-play.aspx

Cafe De France, Plano Tx

2008-11-30T21:36:53Z

If you are looking to have an authentic French dining experience then this is NOT your best bet.

The food is fair. It's not great, but it's fair. And the portion sizes were ok, not the typically oversized portions that we tend to have here in the US...and not laughably small either.

But where the dining experience became truly French was in the delivery of Parisian service. And by Parisian I mean horrible; slow; rude; disinterested... The server was a gothic looking chick with a silver ring set with a black onyx coffin shaped stone. She epitomized the culture of death right down to her zombie-like pace and her monosylabic speech.

The sad thing is that this was my second visit and I have to say that this time the service had improved!

This place rates a 7.5 on the suck-o-meter. You could do worse, but it would take effort.

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Four Pears Sitting on Bar Stools...

2008-11-30T15:34:00Z

I was in one of my favoriteplaces, a little bar and grill, having a beer and a sandwich with my friend. And as I always do, I tuned into a conversation that was happening just down the bar from me. There were these four heavy set ladies, and by heavy set I mean morbidly obese; corpulent; rubeneseque; brawny; burly; chunky; flabby; roly-poly, porkers; super-sized; I mean they were Fucking HUGE! Now don't get me wrong, we all have things we can work on, and my pants size is one of mine, but seriously friend, these women were grand champion Iowa Corn Fed hoggers. They had issues. The four of them were all sitting on bar stools; in a row that from the rear looked like giant pears with hair on top.

This photograph is not a photograph of the women that I saw in the bar. I tried to snap a picture of them from the rear to capture the image for eternity, but when they saw me sliding towards their backsides with camera in hand I nearly lost a limb...Apparently they had been out together before. But to give you some idea of what I was facing, please note the following picture that I lifted from www.923krock.com .

Seriously...These girls had done some major eating. Even the skinny one was a big, big girl her own right.

Now before you yell at me about making fun of someone because of size damn it, I am not making fun of them for their size.

But I am about to make fun of them for the shit that came out of their mouths!!! You see dear reader, fat is a transitional state, and these intrepid souls could loose the weight. (Why Intrepid? Partly because it sounds much cooler than brave, but mosty because it is accurate. They HAD to be brave to go out in public to eat.) No, I do not make fun of them for their size...just their stupidity. They could loose that weight, but stupid is something that you can never cure...and THAT is what I target.

Here; to the best of my ability to recall, is the conversation that ensued:

Girl 1: "I think I'll have the chicken breast sandwich. And a salad. And a whiskey-Coke."

Girl 2: "Just a salad for me, I love the little salad bar that they have here."

Girl 3: "I'm going to the rest room, would one of you order me a rum and diet while I'm gone"

Girl 1: "YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK THAT CRAP, IT'LL KILL YOU!

Me: Thinking to myself "WTF! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN DIET ANYTHING IN TEN YEARS. AND WHAT'S WITH THE SANDWICH ORDER? You are such a poser..."

Girl 3: "What are you talking about Girl 1? Is this more of that shit you've been reading on (some website the name of which I didn't remember to write down) the same website that told you that Elvis was still alive?

Girl 1: "No, seriously girl 3, you've got to stop putting those sorts of things in your body. It's really bad for you. (pause to light a cigarette) That uses Nutra-Sweet and that shit turns to formaldehyde in your body when you digest it." Turning to the bartender/waitress she says "Sugar, I'll have the grilled chicken breast sandwich on whole wheat, no mayonnaise, and a salad. Please hold the dressing and bring it on the side." The waitress asks her something and I then hear "Oh, Thousand Island please, and I'd like a whiskey-Coke"

Me: Thinking to myself "NO Mayonnaise???? WTF DO YOU THINK THE SALAD DRESSING IS?"

Girl 2: "I'm going to the salad bar."

Girl 4: "Me too"

As girls 2, 3, and 4 waddle off to the bathroom and the salad bar the conversation stops for a while and I turn to my buddy Texas and we start talking about what we are seeing. Texas has seen his share of bullshit artists when it comes to the diet business because he is no small man himself, and has just recently been engaged in a successful diet plan that has caused him to loose nearly one hundred pounds. I have been around him the whole time as he went from way overweight to doing pretty damned good on his diet and I watched him trudge his ass to the gym every day, rain or shine. When asked what the secret to loosing weight is he would say "Get your diet all squared away into a neat little box and then leave it on the Stair master." What a smart ass...

After a few minutes the girls have all returned from the bathroom and the salad bar and I am fairly certain that the two that hit the salad bar wrecked it. Holy shit! They have plates of salad that are covered in eggs, cheese, bacon, olives, pasta, and enough Thousand Island salad dressing to grease the axles on an 18 wheeler. If this is how they eat when they are posing in public I can't begin to imagine the destruction that must be their private lives. They must hae some seious issues if this is eating light. Holy Boiled Bat Shit! They enter into a conversation about dieting.

Girl 4: This new diet I'm on is working. I feel much better and I think that I have been loosing some inches around my arms.

Me: Thinking "WHO IN THE HELL MEASURES WEIGHT LOSS AROUND THE ARMS?"

Girl 1: "Girl 4, I'm telling you honey, unless you get that poisonous Nutrasweet shit out of your body you're doomed to failure!"

Me: Thinking "Girl 1, paragon of dieting virture has spoken from her mightly reinforced throne of knowledge. All heavyset people within hearing take head...."

Girl 3: "Girl 1, you should really be more open minded. The Blah Blah Blah diet that I'm using has already taken two inches off my thighs and I really am feeling a whole lot better."

Me: Thinking to myself, but just barely able to contain myself "YOU MEASURED YOUR LEGS? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF A SCALE?"

Girl 1: "Girls you all need to stop drinking that diet shit, it's bad for you." pause to light another cigarette "I'm serious! Do you know what they do with formaldehyde?" pause for another drag on the smoke "It's what they put in DEAD PEOPLE"

This shit just keeps going on and on, and as they eat they are shoveling everything that they can into their mouths, and what doesn't fit is hanging around the creases of their mouths. It's certainly not the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen...that would be how Brett Farve left Green Bay and went to the Jets, the traitorous bastard, but this display of wanton consumption was pretty damn close.

I decide to help:

A part of my brain is signaling to my mouth that there should be a circuit breaker popping off stopping all communication processes.

Ego steps in to override the circuit breaker.

Emergency signals from deep within the brain are sent to Mouth Control to prevent an unauthorized outburst. The signals are lost.

Mouth opens:

Me: To Girl 1 "Have you heard about the new diet that is absolutely guaranteed to work?"

Girl 1: Mid salad and chicken bite says "No! Tell us about it." A small piece of chicken falls onto her shirt, but she ignores it while waiting to hear about this new, miraculous diet that is guaranteed to work.

Me: To all of them "It's called the stop fucking eating so much and get up off your fat asses and get some exercise, and enough bullshit about you having a glandular problem because the only one buying that bullshit is you Diet."

Long pause...

My favorite bar has an emergency exit doorway that is right behind where I usually sit. You know the kind of door that has that red alarm that says "EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY." And you always wonder what sort of emergency there could be in a neighborhood bar and grill that would make you use the emergency exit?

As the four of them simultaneously hopped off their barstools with a positively alarming amount of speed I mentally praised the wisdom of the architect that put that door right behind my back. And then I used it.

Dear Joe: Laurie Writes Home For The First Time

2008-11-28T04:08:00Z

Dear Joe,

First, let me appologize to you for not writing you sooner. I have been at a fitness spa the last six weeks that was recomended to me by my therapist. I am so thankful that your business is doing so well because this place costs THOUSANDS of dollars a week. (Thank GOD they take Amex.....) Well, anywho, like I said, I've been here for six weeks now and I think I am really making some progress.

My daily workout program here is very intense. I spend six hours a day, every day, in the gym, and it's really had an impact. I am much more spiritualy centered and balanced. I know that it was hard for you to accept me as a "Home body". You always thought that I never wanted to go out. But that isn't really who I am at all. It's not that didn't want to go out...I just didn't want to go out with you. Anyway...I have been working out really, really hard and it is showing! I went from a size 12 to a size 6 in just six weeks! You can't believe how much of a difference this is making in the way I feel.

So with all of the changes on my inside, yesterday I decided that I was ready for a few changes on the outside just to match things up. (And nothing looks more like I feel than a whole new wardrobe...I wasn't even this thin when I was in college!) So I took a trip to the Galleria and then to Nieman Marcus to "Spruce up the Ol' wardrobe". Joe, you might want to have a couple of drinks before you open the bills this month because Versace comes...but it comes at a price.

OH!!! While at the spa I saw our old pool boy...remember him? You called him George...but it turns out his name is Jorge, he lets me call him Jor for short. (And that's the only thing about him that's short!) I included a picture of Jor at the spa. It turns out that he is actually a student, working on his Phd in comparative Latin/English studies. He took a LOT of his time to read poetry to me while I was working in the pool, swimming laps.

Did you know that Jorge is also a licensed massage therapist? I know!!! Neither did I. His charges were very reasonable, and he is a very talented man who accepts American Express. (What ARE you going to do with all those points???) He introduced me to a new massage technique called "The Naughty Massuese" and that was where some of my Yoga training turned out to be very useful. I read in your letter that you learned about the Tantric Butterfly...Try it in a massage swing chair some time. You certainly are right Joe...Yoga IS good.

OMG Joe....did you see what I just wrote? I actually put down on paper that You Were Right. This is major progress! And I first realized that sometimes you are right about two weeks ago. Here at the spa we don't get to have outside food or any thing to drink until we've been here a full month. Well, you know how I love a good martini. After a month I was ready for a few drinks with the girls. You won't believe what happened next! I was out with Kimmer, my new best friend for ever, and we had a few to many to drink. So we decided to share a taxi back to the spa. The taxi driver was driving pretty fast and he turned and I lost my balance and wound up face down in Kimmer's lap. OH MY GOD! How embarrassing! But then as I started to pull back from her lap she looked into my eyes and, well...any way... Like I said You Are Right sometimes. It turns out that I really DO like apple martinis with cinnamon on the rim.

Speaking of the cinnamon rim, how are you doing? I've been going on and on about me and haven't asked one question about you! I guess I have to work on self centeredness a little bit. The good news is that this morning I signed up to stay an extra four weeks in the spa to work in a group on self centeredness. Kimmer is staying over too and GUESS WHAT!!!! She and I are room mates! It's going to be soooo much fun. I can't wait until tomorrow when we move in together.

I know that you understand that this is hard work Joe, but I want you to know that I am doing this all for us. It's all for us Joe. I am willing to make the sacrafice for us.

Love,

Laurie

PS: Your cigar cutter is next to the remote in the living room. I'll have my father deliver it to you along with some papers I need you to sign.

Dear Laurie: Honest Communication Within a Troubled Relationship

2008-11-27T17:03:07Z

Dear Laurie,

I know that you have asked me to respect your need for space, and with the assistance of the restraining order, I am trying very hard to respect your wishes because I want US to work out too.

It was a real wake up call for me last week when I came home and saw that all of my belongings were cast out into the yard; even the photographs of you and I. That those same photographs had been torn into pieces and were scattered all over the top of my trophy deer mount from the trip to Colorado just made things that much worse. I've got to be honest Laurie, at that very moment I was deeply hurt. And I am really glad that your father was there with those sheriffs' deputies because they really helped me to keep things in perspective.

So when I left our house I was shell shocked and I didn't know what to do. I just hurt SO bad and wanted to ease the pain so I went to the first bar I could think of; Ta Ta's down on Harry Hines. And as I sat in the VIP booth where I could be in privacy with my grief and drink a few bottles of beer I met this girl named "Essence." ( I thought it was a pretty strange name for a white girl, but then, while we had breakfast at the hotel she told me that her real name was Kara. Anyway, that doesn't matter...) I was just so sad about our break up and I missed you so much; you were all that was on my mind as Kara danced in front of me in the VIP section. I couldn't help but to notice how her slender, curvy hips looked exactly like yours looked before you gained all that weight. And as it turns out she is going to the university working on her Phd and she was willing to help me get in touch with my feelings. (Oh, don't worry about the debit card charges from the ATM at Ta Ta's...I just helped Kara with her cell phone bill. There was NO WAY she was going to be able to catch up from how her room mate SCREWED her with that $2500.00 bill. I know that you would have done the same. You have always been so charitable...)

So later that evening as I looked down into Kara's eyes as she did a pole dance of a different kind I thought to myself "My God! Look how her eyes are like Laurie's eyes." And her lips, stretched into that round shape reminded me of all those times you told me NO it wouldn't work if there wasn't some change. But what got me the most was how she made these little whimpering sounds as she slammed down against me. Every time I could feel her cervix she made a sound that reminded me of you. I just couldn't get over it.

This split has had me re-evaluating all of my other relationships as well. I am saddened by how all of our friends feel that they have to take sides in this split. I was really surprised by how some people won't have anything to do with me and others are reaching out to support me with open arms. And WOW!!! does this experience ever open my eyes to how many other people are having trouble in their relationships. Did you know that Jill and Don, that couple from your yoga group, are on the verge of splitting? Yeah! It came as a shock to me as well. It turns out that Don has been having trouble with the hardware, you know? And Jill is just about fed up with the lack of attention. She told me about it a couple of days ago when I stopped by one morning to see how Don was doing. (Silly me...I forgot that Don was out of town for a few days on a trip with his company.) So Jill invited me in and while she finished her yoga routine I had a drink and we talked.

I'm really sorry that I wasn't more supportive of your desire to start into Yoga. I just thought that it was for thin people... I didn't understand before like I do now. I am SO sorry. Did you know that Jill can touch both of her heals together OVER the top of her head? If I hadn't seen her do it over and over again I wouldn't have believed it either! I don't understand Yoga very well, but she says that it makes her feel much better. She actually asked me to help her with a really difficult position called "The Tantric Butterfly". ....Anyway, Yoga is pretty cool.

As it turns out all the problems between Jill and Don aren't just about Don "Not delivering the MALE...". Jill has been seeing a therapist because she is addicted to sex and as it turns out she has to have hours and hours of sex every day or she acts really strange. She absolutely needs a man in her life who can reach her inner most spaces and help her stay on balance. I help where I can and while I was looking down into her eyes... that's when it hit me again! I am to blame for some of our troubles. It's not just you...it's not just me. As Jill and I tried to comfort each other we grew really close and I began to see a whole new side to her that I never saw before when she was just your best friend.

And as if that wasn't enough, just this morning when your little sister came by to drop off the papers from your lawyer it was all I could do to not fall over. She looks just like you did twenty years and fifty pounds ago. (Except of course that her tits are way nicer. Where did she have that done? I need to remember that place...) It just made me so sad that I started to cry. Eileen is such a sweet girl. She went WAY out of her way to help me feel better and to focus on the good times that we shared together. But as she was dancing in the hot tub I couldn't get over how much she looked like you and WOW! are looks ever deceiving! Who knew that YOUR BABY SISTER has both an oral and an anal fetish! Now, THAT I wouldn't have expected. But even then, with her back to me, her head thrown back and her crying out "Slam it home daddy, Slam it home. OWN MY ASS YOU BASTARD!!! OWN MY ASS!!!" all I could really think about was how her hair looked just like your hair did before it all turned gray and you started dying it.

Now I sit here in my apartment, drinking a whiskey and getting ready to smoke a cigar and I just can't get over how everything that I see and everything that I do just comes back to you.

Hey, speaking of you...do you know where my cigar cutter went? I really miss that thing.

Love,

Joe

Dear Joe

2008-11-27T14:48:00Z

Dear Joe,

As you know I have been seeing a therapist to work through some issues that I have been struggling with for quite some time now, and I have come to the conclusion, with much pain I might add, that I need there to be some distance between the two of us right now. I ask that you please respect my needs in this matter.

I want you know Joe that I am doing this for you every bit as much as I am doing this for me. I just don't like who WE have become Joe, and I need some space to work through a few issues right now. I hope that you can understand.

Love,

Laurie

Ron Jeremy Spotted In Texas Grocery Store

2008-11-26T23:49:27Z

Just after he finished helping to "Baste" the turkeys... Eeeeeewwwwww!

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JAPANESE LESBIAN POLAR BEAR SEX SCANDAL!

2008-11-26T13:17:00Z

No Faaaaqing in Japanese zoo!

It probably would have worked just fine if it were at the San Francisco Zoo... This was lifted from www.cnn.com this morning at 8:15 AM Eastern Time.

Apparently the reason that the zoo keepers weren't tipped off to the bears both being female is that the total lack of a noticeable penis is the cultural norm for Japanese males of most species...

Ed

TOKYO, Japan (CNN) -- Puzzled zookeepers in northern Japan have discovered the reason why their attempts to mate two polar bears kept failing: Both are female.

A 4-year-old polar bear sent to impregnate a female polar bear at a zoo in Kushiro was found to be female as well.

The municipal zoo in the city of Kushiro in Hokkaido brought in a polar bear cub three years ago. They named it Tsuyoshi, after the popular baseball outfielder Tsuyoshi Shinjo, and waited until it reached reproductive age.

In June, the zoo introduced Tsuyoshi to its resident bear, an 11-year-old female named Kurumi, and waited for sparks to fly.

But much to the disappointment of zookeepers, Tsuyoshi never made any amorous advances toward Kurumi.

Earlier this month, zookeepers put Tsuyoshi under anesthesia to get to the bottom of the matter. That's when they made their discovery: Tsuyoshi is a female.

Still, the Kushiro zoo plans to keep Tsuyoshi because he -- or rather, she -- has become immensely popular with visitors.

"I have rather mixed feelings, given the need for breeding, but Tsuyoshi is an idol for Kushiro," Yoshio Yamaguchi, head of the Kushiro zoo, told Japan's Kyodo news agency.

Tsuyoshi will even keep her name.

"We will not be changing it to 'Tsuyoko' since it is loved by citizens (by the current name)," Yamaguchi said.

"Ko" is a common suffix for a Japanese female name.

Meanwhile, Tsuyoshi's "brother," who was adopted by another zoo, has also turned out to be female, Kyodo reported

This is all FAAAAQ'ed up

2008-11-25T04:06:00Z

I love these.

And for what it's worth, if you've never had your head in the urinal, you've not missed out. Really... It's over rated.

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together!

2008-11-23T14:08:12Z

This was so far out in East Texas that there was no cell service. The network out there consists of string and tin cans.

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Manscaping

2008-11-22T16:57:00Z

So you're thinking about doing a little trimming in the nether regions? Pruning the bush? Manscaping?

I now understand why women spend so God damned long in the shower. Have you ever tried to shave that much skin? Spend a few hours trying to shave the twins and you too will understand that this is a job that just can not be rushed.

WHY??? WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS???

So I was reading Tucker Max's book "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" (www.tuckermax.com) and he wrote about how a sorority girl was blowing him on the proposition that he hadn't really had head until he had head from a bulimic chick because they have no gag reflex... (Get the book... it's piss your pants funny) and the girl surfaced afterward with a big black pube sticking between her front teeth. He goes on to mention that he has since started trimming the jungle. There was a reference to "Porn Star Balls."  Who hasn't wanted to be a porn star? Right?

The next thing I know I was standing in the shower razor in hand, and all I can say is that it's just a damned slippery slope from there on out.

Now, once you make the commitment to shaving your balls... And let me point out to you that it is a commitment. When exactly is it a commitment? As it turns out, it is a commitment the very moment that you first begin. Regrowth of said hair is simply NOT an option. You can't fathom the itching that goes along with a three day stubble on one's balls.

Now, once you make the commitment, let me share with you a few helpful tips that could spare you some uncomfortable lessons.

1. Be sure to allow enough time for the job at hand.

As it turns out, your wife/girlfriend/mistress/hooker/transvestite lover isn't just lolly gagging around with those thirty minute showers. It takes a lot more time than you might think to do the job.  I recommend at least thirty minutes for a first timer. Forty Five minutes is better yet.

2. Be sure that you have hot water commensurate with the time commitment.

It is very hard to shave your sack when it shrinks up to the size and consistency of a large prune. Those wrinkles have to be stretched out flat in order to shave, and that is a job that requires two hands all by itself. Who's going to hold the razor if you are holding the sack? Who would you trust? Just make sure you have enough hot water...

3. Have everything that you need in the shower at the outset of the project.

You can save yourself countless trips out of the shower and reduce the risk of slipping and falling on the bathroom floor only to have your wife/girlfriend/mistress/hooker/transvestite lover find you lying on the floor with your soapy, half shaved balls in one hand and your gashed open head in the other. It's too much to explain... just have everything you need gathered together first.

4. Lubrication.

Holy Shit is this an important consideration.

You might think to yourself, "Self, we're about to shave the boys. Let's get some soap on those rascals and whack away at it."   Do you remember when you were twelve and all you had for lube was your sister's $0.99 bottle of Suave shampoo? Remember the Gawdawfull soap burn you got when you went for round two? This is going to take a while to do correctly.  Your boys are going to be soapped up for a loooooooong time. Razor burn takes on a whole new meaning. DO NOT USE SOAP!

So, if not soap then what do you use? Shaving cream is the next logical stopping point. And on round number two that's where you're likely to go.

Did you know that shaving cream is mentholated? SWEET SCREAMING JESUS don't put mentholated fucking ANYTHING on your balls. It's the same active ingredient that makes BEN GAY work. Know why they call it Ben Gay??? Because he burned his fucking balls off with it. No friend...regular mens shaving cream is not an acceptable solution to ball lubrication equation.

As it turns out, that fruit scented shave gel for women is made exactly for just such a project. It doesn't dry out, cause chaffing, and most importantly it contains no menthol so your balls won't catch fire. The only downside is that your nuts smell like citrus for a few hours...but then again, that may not be a downside either.

5. Technique

Do you know how you tilt your head back a little bit and pull down on your neck and then shave against the direction of your beard? You know how that gives you a really close shave and you get that really, really smooth feeling? It doesn't work so well on the twins. What you do get is world class razor burn. And unlike a little facial razor burn, this shit will remind you of your mistakes every time you sit, stand, walk, sweat, shower, dry, or scratch for at least five days. The best thing to remember is to draw the razor in same direction as the lay of the hair. Still no guarantee against razor burn, but mother of god you don't want badly razor burned balls.

And one last thought on the subject. Shaving cuts are no big deal... Just a dab of toilet paper and they dry right up. Unless of course we are talking about a shaving cut on your sack. Accidentally whack the sack open and you are going to bleed like Rocky Balboa in the first match against Apollo Creed! And it HURTS! HOLY SWEET SHIT DOES THIS HURT.

So remember:

Be committed, have your shit gathered together, take your time, use the right shaving cream, go with the grain, and don't slip.

Oh, yeah.... and have your fucking head examined.

Manscaping.....FAAAAQ That!

Some Flights are Like That...

2008-11-22T16:44:00Z

I fly.

I fly a lot.

Most of the time flying is a benign activity, and usually I sleep most of the ride. In fact, I sort of relish the time I spend in the air because I can just tune out and snooze or drink a beer or what ever. Some times I get into a pleasant conversation for a few minutes with a fellow traveller. However, every once in a while I get to sit next to a real winner; one that will not shut up the entire ride. Monday night I was on the bus heading to St. Louis when I hit the nut-job jack pot.

“You’re the lucky one” she said, as I got up from my seat to let her in to her window seat on a brief flight from Dallas to St. Louis. I said “It’s my pleasure…” MISTAKE! DO NOT ENGAGE THE PSYCHO CHICK ON THE AIRPLANE.

She had those wild eyes, fucked up hair that looked like it should have some straw sticking out of it, and one of those fuzzy pink sweaters that all the girls used to wear in high school about twenty years ago. But the dead give-away that she was a grade A number 1 certified nut job were the wild eyes. Her eyes said “Lights are on, lunatic home, come on up for a visit!”

Her mouth was open before her ass hit the seat, and she never stopped talking all the way to St. Louis. “You know, I’m a lot happier now that I’m on the right medication” her opening line the kind of thing that truthfully, only I seem to hear. I didn’t have to say a word to her. She was all wound up and ready to play for the entire plane ride. We entered into a strange kind of speech/thought dialogue. It went something like this:

She said “My husband and I are…….blah blah blah” I thought “You’re married? To a human? Oh My GOD! What was he thinking? What was he DRINKING???”

She said “We’re gamers. Scrabble is what we play. Online and in person. Now my husband “ I thought “No shit…you’re really married???“

She said “He is a seven letter word specialist. I specialize in two and three letter words. You probably don’t believe that, but it’s true.” I thought “Nope...I can believe that …no problem. Oops, sorry, too many letters.”

She said “We met on line…..blah blah blah” I thought “Oooooooooooh! Online...now I get it! He’s a FREAK!”

She said “My third husband was a really mean man. And Tommy had to rescue me so he just had me come and stay with him in St. Louis for two weeks, and I never went back.” I thought “Lucky bastard, that husband number three.”

She said “I’m a writer too…blah blah blah” I thought “Hmmm, Two and three letter word specialist? Do you write children’s books per chance?”

She said “I mostly write children’s stories…Blah blah blah” I thought “OMG. Don’t smile. You’ll only encourage her!”

She said “I quit smoking a year ago.” Then she reached into her purse and pulled out a spray bottle of something and she pumped it three times into her mouth. I thought “WTF is she spraying into her mouth?”

She said “Yup, quitting smoking was the hardest thing I ever did but that nicotine spray inhaler…blah blah blah” I thought “You didn’t quit shit…”

She said “I only had four cigarettes last week because I was worried about riding on an airplane blah blah blah…” I thought “See…you DIDN’T quit shit.”

She said “…blah blah blah… but then I knew that I had to make sure I didn’t smoke any more so I made a pledge on Constance’s website that I would never smoke anymore forever and I could never go back on my word to her because so many people there come to me for help with Scrabble…blah blah blah” I thought “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over…”

She said “I don’t even know why I started smoking. My momma and my daddy never smoked.” I said “How old were you?” (WARNING: DO NOT ENGAGE THE CRAZY WOMAN ON A RANT. It will only encourage her to think you are interested.)

She said “I was eighteen. It was when I started dancing.” I thought “Dancing…of course you were dancing. Now this could be interesting…”

She said “My second husband….blah blah blah” I thought “SECOND HUSBAND? YOU SAID YOU WERE EIGHTEEN…OMG!!! WHERE ARE YOU FROM? WHO IS ON MARRIAGE NUMBER TWO AT 18 BESIDES A WEST TEXAS MORMON?”

I said “Where are you from?” She said “West Texas…”

I turned up my iPod and put my sunglasses down. She was still talking when we landed in St. Louis.