I was in one of my favoriteplaces, a little bar and grill, having a beer and a sandwich with my friend.  And as I always do, I tuned into a conversation that was happening just down the bar from me.  There were these four heavy set ladies, and by heavy set I mean morbidly obese; corpulent; rubeneseque; brawny; burly; chunky; flabby; roly-poly, porkers; super-sized; I mean they were Fucking HUGE!  Now don't get me wrong, we all have things we can work on, and my pants size is one of mine, but seriously friend, these women were grand champion Iowa Corn Fed hoggers.  They had issues.  The four of them were all sitting on bar stools; in a row that from the rear looked like giant pears with hair on top.

This photograph is not a photograph of  the women that I saw in the bar.  I tried to snap a picture of them from the rear to capture the image for eternity, but when they saw me sliding towards their backsides with camera in hand I nearly lost a limb...Apparently they had been out together before.  But to give you some idea of what I was facing, please note the following picture that I lifted from www.923krock.com .


Seriously...These girls had done some major eating.  Even the skinny one was a big, big girl her own right. 

Now before you yell at me about making fun of someone because of size damn it, I am not making fun of them for their size. 

But I am about to make fun of them for the shit that came out of their mouths!!!  You see dear reader, fat is a transitional state, and these intrepid souls could loose the weight.  (Why Intrepid?  Partly because it sounds much cooler than brave, but mosty because it is accurate.  They HAD to be brave to go out in public to eat.)  No, I do not make fun of them for their size...just their stupidity.  They could loose that weight, but stupid is something that you can never cure...and THAT is what I target.

Here; to the best of my ability to recall, is the conversation that ensued:

Girl 1:  "I think I'll have the chicken breast sandwich.  And a salad.  And a whiskey-Coke."

Girl 2:  "Just a salad for me, I love the little salad bar that they have here."

Girl 3:  "I'm going to the rest room, would one of you order me a rum and diet while I'm gone"

Girl 1:  "YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK THAT CRAP, IT'LL KILL YOU! 

Me:  Thinking to myself "WTF!  YOU HAVEN'T SEEN DIET ANYTHING IN TEN YEARS.  AND WHAT'S WITH THE SANDWICH ORDER?  You are such a poser..."

Girl 3:  "What are you talking about Girl 1?  Is this more of that shit you've been reading on (some website the name of which I didn't remember to write down) the same website that told you that Elvis was still alive?

Girl 1:  "No, seriously girl 3, you've got to stop putting those sorts of things in your body.  It's really bad for you.  (pause to light a cigarette) That uses Nutra-Sweet and that shit turns to formaldehyde in your body when you digest it."  Turning to the bartender/waitress she says "Sugar, I'll have the grilled chicken breast sandwich on whole wheat, no mayonnaise, and a salad.  Please hold the dressing and bring it on the side."  The waitress asks her something and I then hear "Oh, Thousand Island please, and I'd like a whiskey-Coke"

Me:   Thinking to myself "NO Mayonnaise???? WTF DO YOU THINK THE SALAD DRESSING IS?"

Girl 2: "I'm going to the salad bar."

Girl 4: "Me too"

As girls 2, 3, and 4 waddle off to the bathroom and the salad bar the conversation stops for a while and I turn to my buddy Texas and we start talking about what we are seeing.  Texas has seen his share of bullshit artists when it comes to the diet business because he is no small man himself, and has just recently been engaged in a successful diet plan that has caused him to loose nearly one hundred pounds.  I have been around him the whole time as he went from way overweight to doing pretty damned good on his diet and I watched him trudge his ass to the gym every day, rain or shine.  When asked what the secret to loosing weight is he would say "Get your diet all squared away into a neat little box and then leave it on the Stair master."  What a smart ass...

After a few minutes the girls have all returned from the bathroom and the salad bar and I am fairly certain that the two that hit the salad bar wrecked it.  Holy shit!  They have plates of salad that are covered in eggs, cheese, bacon, olives, pasta, and enough Thousand Island salad dressing to grease the axles on an 18 wheeler.  If this is how they eat when they are posing in public I can't begin to imagine the destruction that must be their private lives.  They must hae some seious issues if this is eating light.  Holy Boiled Bat Shit!  They enter into a conversation about dieting.

Girl 4:  This new diet I'm on is working.  I feel much better and I think that I have been loosing some inches around my arms.

Me:  Thinking "WHO IN THE HELL MEASURES WEIGHT LOSS AROUND THE ARMS?"

Girl 1:  "Girl 4, I'm telling you honey, unless you get that poisonous Nutrasweet shit out of your body you're doomed to failure!"

Me:  Thinking "Girl 1, paragon of dieting virture has spoken from her mightly reinforced throne of knowledge.  All heavyset people within hearing take head...."

Girl 3:  "Girl 1, you should really be more open minded.  The Blah Blah Blah diet that I'm using has already taken two inches off my thighs and I really am feeling a whole lot better."

Me:  Thinking to myself, but just barely able to contain myself "YOU MEASURED YOUR LEGS?  HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF A SCALE?"

Girl 1:  "Girls you all need to stop drinking that diet shit, it's bad for you."  pause to light another cigarette "I'm serious!  Do you know what they do with formaldehyde?" pause for another drag on the smoke  "It's what they put in DEAD PEOPLE"

This shit just keeps going on and on, and as they eat they are shoveling everything that they can into their mouths, and what doesn't fit is hanging around the creases of their mouths.  It's certainly not the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen...that would be how Brett Farve left Green Bay and went to the Jets, the traitorous bastard, but this display of wanton consumption was pretty damn close.

I decide to help:

A part of my brain is signaling to my mouth that there should be a circuit breaker popping off stopping all communication processes.

Ego steps in to override the circuit breaker.

Emergency signals from deep within the brain are sent to Mouth Control to prevent an unauthorized outburst.  The signals are lost.

Mouth opens:

Me:  To Girl 1 "Have you heard about the new diet that is absolutely guaranteed to work?"

Girl 1:  Mid salad and chicken bite says "No!  Tell us about it."  A small piece of chicken falls onto her shirt, but she ignores it while waiting to hear about this new, miraculous diet that is guaranteed to work.

Me:  To all of them "It's called the stop fucking eating so much and get up off your fat asses and get some exercise, and enough bullshit about you having a glandular problem because the only one buying that bullshit is you Diet."

Long pause...


My favorite bar has an emergency exit doorway that is right behind where I usually sit.  You know the kind of door that has that red alarm that says "EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY."  And you always wonder what sort of emergency there could be in a neighborhood bar and grill that would make you use the emergency exit?

As the four of them simultaneously hopped off their barstools with a positively alarming amount of speed I mentally praised the wisdom of the architect that put that door right behind my back.  And then I used it.