So you're thinking about doing a little trimming in the nether regions?  Pruning the bush?  Manscaping?

I now understand why women spend so God damned long in the shower.  Have you ever tried to shave that much skin?  Spend a few hours trying to shave the twins and you too will understand that this is a job that just can not be rushed.

WHY???  WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS???

So I was reading Tucker Max's book "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell"  (www.tuckermax.com)  and he wrote about how a sorority girl was blowing him on the proposition that he hadn't really had head until he had head from a bulimic chick because they have no gag reflex... (Get the book... it's piss your pants funny)  and the girl surfaced afterward with a big black pube sticking between her front teeth.  He goes on to mention that he has since started trimming the jungle.  There was a reference to "Porn Star Balls."  Who hasn't wanted to be a porn star? Right? 

The next  thing I know I was standing in the shower razor in hand, and all I can say is that  it's just a damned slippery slope from there on out.

Now, once you make the commitment to shaving your balls... And let me point out to you that it is a commitment.  When exactly is it a commitment?  As it turns out, it is a commitment the very moment that you first begin.  Regrowth of said hair is simply NOT an option.  You can't fathom the itching that goes along with a three day stubble on one's balls.

Now, once you make the commitment, let me share with you a few helpful tips that could spare you some uncomfortable lessons.

1.  Be sure to allow enough time for the job at hand. 

As it turns out, your wife/girlfriend/mistress/hooker/transvestite lover isn't just lolly gagging around with those thirty minute showers.  It takes a lot more time than you might think to do the job.  I recommend at least thirty minutes for a first timer.  Forty Five minutes is better yet.

2. Be sure that you have hot water commensurate with the time commitment. 

It is very hard to shave your sack when it shrinks up to the size and consistency of a large prune.  Those wrinkles have to be stretched out flat in order to shave, and that is a job that requires two hands all by itself.  Who's going to hold the razor if you are holding the sack?  Who would you trust? Just make sure you have enough hot water...

3.  Have everything that you need in the shower at the outset of the project. 

You can save yourself countless trips out of the shower and reduce the risk of slipping and falling on the bathroom floor only to have your wife/girlfriend/mistress/hooker/transvestite lover find you lying on the floor with your soapy, half shaved balls in one hand and your gashed open head in the other.  It's too much to explain... just have everything you need gathered together first.

4.  Lubrication. 

Holy Shit is this an important consideration.

You might think to yourself, "Self, we're about to shave the boys.  Let's get some soap on those rascals and whack away at it."   Do you remember when you were twelve and all you had for lube was your sister's $0.99 bottle of Suave shampoo?  Remember the Gawdawfull soap burn you got when you went for round two?  This is going to take a while to do correctly.  Your boys are going to be soapped up for a loooooooong time.  Razor burn takes on a whole new meaning.  DO NOT USE SOAP!

So, if not soap then what do you use? Shaving cream is the next logical stopping point.  And on round number two that's where you're likely to go. 

Did you know that shaving cream is mentholated?  SWEET SCREAMING JESUS don't put mentholated fucking ANYTHING on your balls.  It's the same active ingredient that makes BEN GAY work.  Know why they call it Ben Gay???  Because he burned his fucking balls off with it.  No friend...regular mens shaving cream is not an acceptable solution to ball lubrication equation.

As it turns out, that fruit scented shave gel for women is made exactly for just such a project.  It doesn't dry out, cause chaffing, and most importantly it contains no menthol so your balls won't catch fire.  The only downside is that your nuts smell like citrus for a few hours...but then again, that may not be a downside either.

5.  Technique

Do you know how you tilt your head back a little bit and pull down on your neck and then shave against the direction of your beard?  You know how that gives you a really close shave and you get that really, really smooth feeling?  It doesn't work so well on the twins.  What you do get is world class razor burn.  And unlike a little facial razor burn, this shit will remind you of your mistakes every time you sit, stand, walk, sweat, shower, dry, or scratch for at least five days.  The best thing to remember is to draw the razor in same direction as the lay of the hair.  Still no guarantee against razor burn, but mother of god you don't want badly razor burned balls.

And one last thought on the subject.  Shaving cuts are no big deal...  Just a dab of toilet paper and they dry right up.  Unless of course we are talking about a shaving cut on your sack.  Accidentally whack the sack open and you are going to bleed like Rocky Balboa in the first match against Apollo Creed!  And it HURTS!  HOLY SWEET SHIT DOES THIS HURT. 

So remember:

Be committed, have your shit gathered together, take your time, use the right shaving cream, go with the grain, and don't slip.

Oh, yeah.... and have your fucking head examined. 

 Manscaping.....FAAAAQ That!